Tell her she can't have a vagina
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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