I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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