You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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