i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
