I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
