remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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