can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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