somebody snuck up and got me drunk
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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