God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
