We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
