Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
