dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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