the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
