Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
