What did we do last night that was yellow?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
