Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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