I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
