Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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