Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
