So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
