i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
