im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The best revenge is premature balding
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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