I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
