is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
