he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
