I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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