Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
