Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
