I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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