I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
