I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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