Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I have demons in me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
and you fell through a lawn chair
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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