Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
