I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
