remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Non-Jews are for practice
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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