Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
