OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
