if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
