i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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