You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
