I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
