I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
