oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
