shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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