He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
