dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
