this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
