I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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