ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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