girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
