I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
